Happy Smiling Fun Times

 My senior year of high school, I proudly announced to my A.P. Government teacher that I had a plan to become a Supreme Court Justice. My plan was batshit crazy. I was a good student but not genius level. I guess I always thought that at some point along the way I'd be so interested in the law that I'd spend more of my studying time studying than watching Friends. Spoiler alert: I'm just not that interested in studying law.

But I did go to law school. It was fine. My grades were pretty good. This story, however, is not about my grades. It's about my first job in a law firm and how it sucked butt so hard that it changed the trajectory of my life. It gave me the realization that working at a law firm and working for lawyers is the actual worst.

There are many stories to tell about this law firm. M-A-N-Y. I could fill a book (and just might!) about how terrible this law firm was to work for. But I really want to focus on this one story that I've been thinking about lately. 

When I was hired at said law firm, they told me I would be working as a law clerk. A law clerk - doing legal work in support of attorneys. The theory is this prepares you for what life in a law firm is like. When I got to the firm on my very first day, the office manager from hell named Jean B. told me I would start at the reception desk and do the work of a receptionist. If I could do that job well then maybe - just maybe - they would trust me enough to help with the attorneys. Because somehow in her mind proving that you can make a photo copy has a direct corelation to writing a legal brief. 

I will not here that the other MALE law clerk got to be an actual law clerk and did not have to prove himself adept at reception skills. I was unhappy. I allowed myself a 5-minute bathroom break every other hour so I could go sit in the bathroom and cry it. I could not make it through 2 hours without crying because there was so much yelling. I was yelled at by clients, secretaries, paralegals and the office manager but never the attorneys because they basically ignored me. 

One day, as I was trudging back to the reception desk after my 5-minute bathroom cry, I saw the office manager from hell (OMFH) named Jean B. standing at the reception desk on the phone. The phones were my responsibility. If they rang 4 times without being answered by me they would be transferred to OMFH Jean B. OMFH Jean B. hung up the phone and looked up at my puffy, red-eyed face with anger.

"Where were you?" She sneered.

"Sorry," I eeked out, "I was in the bathroom. I just had to go to the bathroom."

"You are in the bathroom all the time." She observed. Which was not true. I was in the bathroom for 5 minutes every other hour. "Your job is not in the bathroom. Your job is here at this phone. You have to answer the phone. Which means you have to spend more time at your desk." The evil OMFH then grabbed her broomstick and flew back to her office. She did not comment on my red, watery eyes.

The next morning, OMFH Jean B. came up to me at the receptionist desk. She handed me a sheet of paper with a title at the top - "Job Responsibilities". Under the title there was a list of 5 tasks. The tasks were as follows:

1. Answer the phone by the second ring.

2. Empty dishwasher in morning and load dishwasher throughout the day.

3. Keep a friendly tone in your voice.

4. Collect coffee mugs from attorney offices.

5. Smile and pretend you are a happy person.

Smile and pretend you are a happy person. Reading this jarred me. Because outside of this job I was a happy person. I mean - I was depressed about work, sure. Did this mean I was no longer a happy person? It was like OMFH had just handed down a proclamation of my character - you are now a miserable beast.

In high school, I was voted "Most Enthusiastic". What happened to my life that I went from being a person recognized as enthusiastic to a person who had to be told to smile and pretend she was happy?

I was humiliated. Partly because this was a list of tasks was treating me like an idiot. But also humiliated because it was so bald that everyone in the law firm saw my misery and didn't care. They wanted me to smile and pretend. But how could a law student be happy about being hired in a law firm and not allowed to do anything besides answer phones, make photo copies and run a dishwasher. Was I supposed to thank them for this work? Thank you for wasting my talent OMFH Jean B.

I want to learn from this story. I want to be able to tell my mid-20's self that my 40-year-old self would never allow work to change me from an enthusiastic, fun, happy person to a sad and miserable witch. But I can't. Because this has been a theme in my working life. I let work leech all the happiness out of me until I find myself quite changed. 

I think about this a lot. About how many decisions it takes to realize a dream. I will never be a Supreme Court Justice. I don't even know if that was ever really my dream. I did work for a judge and had a wonderful experience. That may be as close as I get to my high school dreams. My middle-age-woman dreams are simply to find a job where I don't have to feign happiness and smiles. I might smile because I enjoy my work. Or I might be happy because I'm laughing with a coworker. Having those real-life happy smiling fun times.